a chat with universe

I'll remember the night I made my decision in which, for the first time, it makes me feel at peace.
I'll remember tonight, at 3.42, I have made the decision that make myself happy.

Universe, our old friend had told me the right thing for me to do, a decision that wouldn't make everyone happy but makes me relieve. A decision that set me free from all the non sense and unfair things that had happened in my life for quiet some time and almost forgot who I am and what I really want in my short life.

The universe had taught me to be aware of signs and good signs are going to lead me to my treasure island. Good signs, I have learned my lesson, are not always positive, sometimes they are rocky, painful, stink, ugly like hell, looked impossible to get through it, BUT, it had trained me and shaped me to be someone stronger, better in character and more mature. And the reward for it is called, once again, our forgotten friend, 'time'.

Tonight I had chat with both of my old time friends. Time and universe, the two endless living beings that always stay with me side by side and I have been ignored them since then. Well, they are really good friends. Universe, had given me cliff to climb, jungle to get through, hot sun to strengthen me, and snow to freeze and to kill the lights inside of me. Time, had always with me, but it seems we're running in different direction, or maybe, sometimes, I'm running away from time. Time and Universe had once become my nemesis.

Universe taught me once, "follow me, the voice in your heart, your surroundings, your so called words of wisdom."

Universe had taught me too, "have time with TIME, she's precious and you don't want to miss a thing."

Universe had also taught me, "talk to me everyday, respond to me, there you can find your way when you're lost."

I have forgotten those things.


I barely stare at the dark and talk to the king of the endless, the God, you may call him. I barely talk to myself, through the words of wisdom from the books  I bought, and most importantly, to talk with my mortal friends. I CAN'T catch up with time, can't even talk and sit with universe.

I'm a one lonely bastard until universe dragged me for a moment and talk to me in private, through the city lights of Jakarta, the beautiful rain drops, the scolding of my mom, my father's white hair, and most of all the fucked up document that can't be provided. I took them as soft spoken sign from the endless.

Then one moment it has been decided, and at the moment, time and universe seems to get back to me again, or MAYBE, i get back to them, we hug like we've never met before. I hope we can be friends again mates.

You're my allies to success.

U turn

God allows u turn.

I was selfish and full of pride, and in the other way to describe, I was uncalm and indecisive. It's all started on the thinking that once I graduated I have to work outside Indonesia (at least in Malaysia, where I graduated from). I did. I graduated with the highest distinction, left some trace of legacy called 'SPARKS'. And ended up working here.

It's not bad at all. I was happy and excited, I love my job, I learn a lot about design. However, in every decision here is the sacrifice that I have to make. Myself. I have sacrificed myself, my time, my reading time, my time to do my own work, my time to do painting, my time to be involved in graphic design, my time to do sport, my time for me to 'live'.  I realized that these days, the best moment for me is when I drove alone at Jakarta in the middle of the night, watching all the nightlights, the dim lights of the stores that are about to close, the rain outside and the citylights. I have said in my previous post before that I don't belong to KL, where I'm staying now. It's beautiful here, when my friends are around, now it's fading. There's no more laugh and unexpected trip somewhere, there's no more friday football night, there's no more boob gazing in sunway, there's no more rough night when we have to stay awake until 5 am or mamak in the early morning.

God I feel lonely. I miss the feeling of missing someone. I miss everyone that I've missed, my high school friends, my friends in Jakarta, and to know that they are enjoying their lives there, makes me feel sooo jealous. Some more, a wise chat with Karen last time had brought me to this decision, a moment with Lucky and Ruli had brought me to realisation that what life is about is not always about pride, but life is about taking chances. I have tried to proof my stubbornness by making rash decision to stay here and sacrifice my 'happiness'. Well, maybe that mistake is one thing that brought me to Angel and by that, no regret, these 5 months were the best months.

I'm excited to go back to Jakarta, to that jam city. I'm taking chances. Universal languages are what I'm trying to decipher these days. I'm Santiago who's looking for treasure. Maybe my treasure is not there in pyramid called KL, but there in the grassfield of traffic jam in Jakarta? treasure big enough to bring me to my Edensor, London.

I'm being random again :), well, I don't intend to go back and delete some unecessary stuffs that I wrote.

anyway, you're not allowed to undo when you live in this life right?

I can't wait to go back.

dis con nect ed.

I'm a wanderer and a wonderer. I wonder a lot about a lot of things lately, about myself, about what I really want in my life, about my job, about my relationship with my family and friends.

Just today, I walked around KL at night, watching all the busy streets, active KL citizens, tourists, the cityscape, the traffic which is slightly better than jakarta. I wonder, do i belong here? Definitely not. I don't belong here, I don't belong to this city, to this place. I want to go further and further away, away from this continent, to the other, I want to see the world. I want to see London, New York, Paris, Milan, Rome, Bern, Amsterdam, I want to see the world more.

I have decided that I don't want to continue working in KL after I finished my contract here. I want to fly, away and away, I want to see the world.

I love my current job, eventhough it's totally new and full of hard times, but I've made it and my commercial has been aired in Indonesia :) but well, job is job, I'm still a junior, I want to grab all the learning that I could grab here, and then, let God decides. If God permitted, I would like to go there, to London.

The Highlight of 2010

Just watch ESPN today and there's a review about every team in the leagues. Well, I'm tickled to do the same thing about my 2010 :)

MONOPHONE.
One of every student's dream is to left a legacy to their alma mater so that they can look back and smile and feel proud that they have physical legacy that they can proud of. MONOPHONE is a project that Merah Putih Club 2009 - 2010's legacy, my legacy. To look back on how we started our period of service with no money, no fame, nobody, conflict, and in the end, we achieved MONOPHONE, our main event in which is very successful. There, I learnt about advertising method, the importance of marketing in design, the importance of communication, teamwork, and the most important, solidarity.

IDEA RAWKSTARR.
Here, I found my long lost confidence, my long lost childish wild dreams, my inner self. I can't tell you how much 95% (Janet, Peter, Shahknaz, and friends) had contributed to my self development, get to know me, work with me, I'll show you why this training had changed my life and lots of people's life. I'm very grateful for that they have done to me, or maybe what they have done to shape me to become what I am now.

SPARKS.
You guys are pain in the ass, I have to remind you again and again, eventhough my mouth is a bitch, my attitude is shit, but I miss you guys a lot and IF I COULD, I WOULD PAY so that I could turn back the time and enjoy that shit situation again. I miss you guys a lot. There's a lot that I want to say about SPARKS, how it had changed my life (again) and the other members, how it had challenged and inspire other people, how it had moved people.

GUYS! WE HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF IT! Every shit that happens there, let it remains there. I can't tell you how proud I am to be one of the shaper of the brand that we created, brand that last forever, brand that speaks as it is, We Are Sparks, we are the beginning of all the great things that soon will happen. We are the pioneer of innovation, evolution, and also development. We are the SPARKS, we might have failed to reach the moon, but yet, we reached the stars, we are there guys! we are one of the people that had made lots of changes.

I just have a chat with my old long lost lecturer (Stone, yes, that prick), he told me to move on. To tell you the truth, I enjoy being in this pain. I'm a sucker for this pain, I miss my friends, and let me remember and cheerish all the shit that we've been through together.

ANGELINE
Dear, you were always there for me even before we are together. You are the hidden force, and for that, I really appreciate what you have done to me, your patience to my short temper, your patience to my ignorance, your understanding to my unstable working hour. You are a gift from God that comes quiet late :) I love you, and thanks for being with me :)

I'm Still Alive (not in my comfort zone)

I've been wandering for months, thinking about my passion, my love, my work, my dream, my ego, my status, my position, and most importantly, the question of what I gotta do?

my boss always says "You gotta do what you gotta do"

or in the other hand, it's all about survival issue. I'm still alive, despite of all the crazy over nights at office, despite of all the wrong renders, all the rejection and revisions, all the shitty things behind everything that me and colleagues do. I'm still alive, happy, as always.

I feel lonely sometimes, I wonder how could some people take it, having Christmas celebrated in office, not with the loved ones at home, (well, in this case, my loved ones are not with me, they are either in Bangkok or in Jakarta). This is the first Christmas that I spend without my parents, I used to drive them to church and bitching to my dad about how hard to get a park in restaurant for Christmas.

Here is different now. After last year, everything had changed.

Anyway, i believe every process of life either bad or good are just like spices in our food. They will create something, they will taste beautifully delicious at the end of the day.

If this shit feeling to go online in Nando's to do some homework research for my upcoming project and spending Christmas not with my parents can strengthened me in the future. I'm okay with it and I keep assuring my self that everything is gonna be alright.

I miss my friends in Jakarta, I skipped two of their wedding, I might as well missed another reunion in Bandung soon as we have another "big match" (new big project) in January. But heck, I don't give a damn. I'll do it, just like what my boss had said, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Currently, I'm happy in a weird way. I have a good housemates, including my girlfriend who stayed with me during holiday and had been a great support to me. All your cook books, your smell in my room and in the living is great. I wanted to spend time, talk to them as I'm pretty sure that this kind of feeling have been underestimated while we're in uni, locked ourselves in our own room and barely go out and talk.

I personally found that talking, laughing, direct emotional interaction with friends or people are the most incredible entertainment and inspiration that you can find.

In a creative profession, I'm having crisis, I miss doing all graphic design thingy, yet I feel attached and curious about my new job as a motion designer. Anyhow, I'm enjoying both. Janet always mentioned about comfort zone, I'm not in my comfort zone now, and struggling everyday to learn, to bear, to earn, to gain, and to release and also, to appreciate. Most of people, after they graduated, have to bear the pain of being jobless for couple of months or a year or years. and I got a job rightaway after I graduated, only my visa is a shit.

I looked back at my portfolio, and been thinking to fix it, to add direction to what I'm gonna do in a future.

The Glamorous World of Design vs Fresh Grads

I idolized Stefan Sagmeister since 2007  when I accidentally attended a so called creative conference met the first graphic designer in JCC. I saw his expensive laptop with that funny logo (apple), the way he speaks, and the way he laughs. Whats got into my mind, and I believe most people think this way, if we can do a bit and pieces in photoshop, can draw well in canvas, wew, we can be a graphic designer like him! Famous, awed by all the students in the world (I assume), and cars! branded stuffs! designer clothes! expensive shoes, etc and etc.

Luxurious, consumerism, and postmodern lifestyle had consumed me quiet much that I have forgotten the very basic thing of life. What I earn reflects my capabilities in doing things, yes, price is never lie, price represent quality.

And living in glamour, being cool, are all identities that had been absorbed by immaturity mindset of a student like me. I have great expectation of how designer is desperately needed by society! Yes, i thought of that, i believe that without design, this life is so fucked up, just like me, living without pork. I thought of lots of things to convince myself that being designer is cool. I saw some of my friends got carried by the flow of "how to be designer", oh sorry, maybe it's more like "how to LOOK like a designer". Skinny jeans, vinyl toys, indie tees, tattoo, piercing, indie band, drugs, cigaret (even the way they smoke), long and messy hair, being super skinny like a drug, a belief that being designer u have to at least feel 'fly' once by using some stupid pills or alcohol, etc. Well, I'm not totally against those stuffs, what's got into my mind, the core of how we look like is the way we think, which will reflect the way we performed in public.

I have good conversation with a friend of mind of the identity crisis among graphic design students which is funny! some is always late to come to class, always fail to submit or present on time, and their works are totally confusing that no one could understand! seriously. Now, they start to call themselves "creative", and they call all the people who submit on time, "sheep". This is the funny thing and this conversation dragged us til dawn.

Both of us are good students, well yes, I always got straight aces, and our similarity is that we don't even give a damn of what people think. We just do what we feel was right. And just like me, this friend of mine, she also suffers the same syndrome of "why there's a lot of shit at class? I don't like being in class, etc". And to tell u the truth, she is super nerd. Just like that Marian Bantjes :)

My point is and we both agree that students need more exposure to the world in industry, so that they could feel, this is the thing that I'm lacking and I'm working on it. I need more time to fly, to fight in the battle, to burn my passion all the time, just like what my boss had reminded us, employees all the time. Burn it! Flame it, and let other people feel the little sparks we produce and let the other lights came up and we burn together and we create a brighter light. That's why I love to chat with this nerdy girl, my ex classmate who's now quiting her job as a designer! what a shameee!!!! hahahahaha...

And back to the topic. The glamour, the coolness of being graphic designer are earned from hardwork, from endless negotiations, endless talks, endless revisions, endless tracings, endless drawings, endless sketches, endless brain dumps, endless trial and errors, endless experiments, endless interviews, endless focus groups, endless research, endless questions, endless readings, endless sleepless nights, endless fucked up clients, etc. If before I filled up that form for UPH and LUCT, and my teacher told me that, maybe i would take accounting instead. BUT HEY! I love drawing too much, in math class I drew, why I almost fail in my high school is because I'm too in love with drawing! and then, photoshop! I love doing that.

In my previous blog, I wrote about myself complaining over and over about my freelance job. Fucked up clients who doesn't know how to appreciate design process, late payment, late payment, super stupid unnecessary revision. My wise dad smiled and then replied, if these jobs are so difficult for you, why are you trying so hard for it?

There, I found where is my passion, and fortunately, I'm pretty sure that I'm good in what I'm doing right now! and I can always do better.

My only regret is my low exposure to the world of industry which is not as easy as it seems. Nobody knows what made Sagmeister a Sagmeister! He wrote in his book that he has to stay overnights in Leo Burnett Headquarter in HK, got scolded badly by Tibor Kalman, etc. I have no experience, I listen to people around me, and my conclusion is, being designer is not cool at all, OR, to correct it, it doesn't look cool unless you know the process. Yes, every job that earn lots of money came from hardwork and hardcore works. My seniors here had proof that.

quality always defines the price, and quality always comes from true heart, I believe in that. I've been working as a freshman for almost 2 months. So far, I'm happy with where I am at.






And I always love what I'm doing.





*for god's sake, I need illustration freelance job."

How if you can read the stars?